Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)