Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Dating After Heartbreak
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head