Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
