I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.