Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
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Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
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Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"