i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.