I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.