I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.