happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Dating After Heartbreak
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.