i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
