she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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