So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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