Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.