Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
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Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
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how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"