I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
