So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.