There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
These Little Things Make People Overly Angry
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
These Medical Professionals Recall the Worst Cases of Hypochondria They’ve Seen
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.