I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward