Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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