Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer