all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.