I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship