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If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
you had me at cake vodka
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
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