He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.