She is in my trunk
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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