random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"