How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.