i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
bring money and cleavage
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?