Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.