The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.