How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
