he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Actions speak louder than pants.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.