Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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