I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Non-Jews are for practice
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca