Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My day in three words: secret purse cake
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?