at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".