as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.