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you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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