remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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