the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
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Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
bring money and cleavage
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.