Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.