I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
