Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
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This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."