do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I understand Curling. That high.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
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dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this