you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.