When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"