This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.