Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.