do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
