You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dating After Heartbreak
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome