walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?