I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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